Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking space appeared. Paddy looking up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The Priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father", was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the Priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't, Father." The Priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly called his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper? asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin from?"

I might have entitled this essay "Providers and Customers" but decided to let tradition prevail.

A recent survey in Consumer Reports of over 39,000 patients showed some interesting findings, though the sample may not accurately represent the population at large. One in four patients (24%) complained about their doctor keeping them waiting 30 minutes or longer. One of five were unhappy because they were unable to schedule an appointment within one week. Other common complaints were a failure of physicians to discuss adverse effects of treatment and not addressing the costs of treatment and diagnostic tests. Other less common frustrations were spending too little time, not getting test results back to patients in a timely fashion, and not responding to phone calls.

Three Hundred Thirty Five primary care doctors were also surveyed. The leading frustration among these physicians about their patients was lack of compliance (59%) and patients requesting unnecessary tests and treatment.

In our frenzy to market our practices physicians would do well to listen to what patients had to say about what they liked about their treatment; "They treated me with respect.", "They listened to me with patience and understanding.", "They encouraged me to ask questions.", "They got to know me as a person."

In many instances illness changes people. It may make the brave timid, the sophisticated na�ve, and may bring unreasonable demands. People come to us though because they have a problem and want to be listened to in a non-judgmental way so their fears may be fully expressed and their burdens shared.

The doctor/patient relationship is the center piece of medicine, "A moral enterprise grounded in a covenant of trust." We must merit this trust by showing patients we will put their interests ahead of our own, that we are competent, and will not abuse the privilege this trust allows. To do less invites further corrosion of our profession.

John J. Mohr, M.D.